Post by caridwen on Sept 23, 2017 14:52:53 GMT
Signs of an abuser
When we first get together with someone, we don't often notice red flags or signs that this person could potentially be an abuser. Abuse can be subtle and we often ignore intuitive feelings when we first start seeing someone as we are high on hormones and limerence.
I don't read reversals and tend to go on context, how I feel about the cards and the combination. However, there are certain cards to look out for if you start to question your relationship.
All abuse can be whittled down to power and control. How that power and control manifests will be different for each relationship and what works most successfully for the abuser. Look out for cards that bring back childhood issues that your abuser is manipulating as they have worked out what works to control you. Abuse isn't necessarily physical but is always emotional which may escalate to physical violence.
Abuse follows a kind of cycle so watch out for cards that indicate cycles such as the Wheel of Fortune and the Moon. You can read more about the abuse cycle here.
Power and Control cards:
Majors
Magician within the context of other cards, can mean someone who is manipulative and works through smoke and mirrors. Nothing is as it seems.
Empress/Emperor
Women can be as emotionally abusive as men. More women are killed and injured by their partners than men because of violence but that doesn't mean that women can't be controlling or abusive in other ways. Examples of abuse would be abuse of privacy, checking your partner's email and phone messages. Wanting to know where your partner is at all times. Demanding they dress in a certain way etc Cheating is abusive as it's a betrayal of trust, often involves lies and is unfair on your partner who may not know anything is wrong in the relationship. Sometimes cheating is part of the control aspect of abuse as the abuser feels powerful by having secrets and sleeping with others behind their partner's back. They see it as a way of getting back at them.
Empress can refer to your own mother and your relationship with her which is impacting your current relationship. A mother can be manipulative, self sacrificing, demanding, smothering, critical etc etc Your relationship may emulate your mother/child relationship quite unconsciously. You may always pick the same type of woman (this of course applies to LGBTQ as well as straight relationships) and each relationship has the same unhealthy dynamic even though you try to pick different types.
Emperor
We live in a patriarchal society which the emperor represents as well as the father archetype. An abusive man has learned his abusive behaviour from films, books, magazines, adverts, friends, family, religion and culture. Traditionally women were chattel, possessions to be bought and sold. A man could have many wives and still can in some societies where she is covered up lest another man covert his possession. Women's feet were deformed and bound so they couldn't run away, their genitals were mutilated to prevent them from practising their sexuality. This is part and parcel of patriarchal society and women can be just as misogynist as men as both can internalise these negative messages. This is about control, controlling women and their bodies and it is insidious and sadistic. So the Emperor has two meanings, one is society at large and one is your relationship with your own father and how those dynamics are playing out in your own relationships. It can also refer to your partner wanting to has his own Kingdom in your home and using 'male privilege' over you. Getting you to cook, clean and run around after him. The Emperor is a big red flag, alongside other red flags and cards, that you may be in trouble.
The Emperor can also stand for boundaries. Are your boundaries too loose? Too rigid?
Hierophant
Hierophant is social mores and tradition. You will come across the Hierophant at some point whether it is your partner's religion, upbringing or culture. I had a friend who divorced because she married a Muslim man who was quite liberal until they married and he wanted her to wear a face cover. There had been no mention of this before marriage but he came from a traditional society, was religious and expected his wife to obey him. When she didn't they divorced. He was ultimately trying to control her and force her to do something she didn't want to do. If you are expected to conform to certain types of traditional behaviour, that is the Hierophant. Many women notice after they have children that now they are a mother, their husband's attitude towards them changes and they are expected to conform to certain expectations. This is also when abuse starts to really kick in because he 'has his feet under the table'. Many women talk of how their partner became physically abusive when they were pregnant and their bodies changed.
Chariot
Chariot is obviously power and control. You are being ridden. Your partner is obviously the one riding the chariot. However, it can also stand for being two faced or charming outside the home and a beast within, a Jekyll and Hyde character. He brings this aspect of him or herself when you first start seeing each other but the mask will eventually come off. Many abused children talk of their mum or dad being well respected in their community but a monster behind closed doors. If the Chariot comes up and you have concerns, take it very seriously as along with other cards, it can show someone who is controlling and has an agenda.
Strength
I love the Strength card but it can mean wasting your time 'taming the beast'. You may be repressing your own anger and frustration or working to tame their beast. I could kick myself for the amount of time I spent trying to 'work people out' in order to understand their behaviour better. In order to calm them down and make life easier. I should have just dumped their toxic arses, but kept at it, in a saint like manner, turning the other cheek to their bullshit which invariably got worse due to lack of boundaries. Spending your precious time trying to fix someone. Don't. Walk don't run towards the nearest exit.
Wheel of Fortune
Would refer to being in the centre of a maelstrom which is what abusive relationships often feel like. They often follow a cycle of behaviour: Tension - Abuse - Reconciliation - Calm. The abused may even try to trigger violence during the tense phase in order to get it over and done with. You will be on an emotional roller coaster, where your abuser may try to keep you off balance and off guard so you can't work out what's happening.
Hanged Man
I have co dependent tendencies and can play the victim/martyr and it's an aspect I don't like about myself. I put up with stuff with a saint like fortitude while people wipe their feet on my back. You have to remember that even though you seem to be in a very dark place (which we will get to later) that you have chosen to stay where you are. If you are a child of an abuser then you haven't and this doesn't apply to you. As an adult, you have a choice regarding who you let into your life and who stays in your life. If your mother is a critical harridan who drives you to drink, you are choosing to keep in contact with her even though the (Hierophant) cultural norm is to love your parents no matter what. You have that choice. Doing nothing is still a choice. If you are in a relationship with an abuser, you are choosing to stay in it and only you can get out. This is the message of the Hanged Man. He has a saintly glow around his head, his hands are tied but he doesn't struggle. He smiles benevolently out at you. It's not your job in life to be someone else's punchbag, to work someone out, to fix someone, to be there no matter what if you are in a 6 of Pentacles relationship - where your needs are not getting met, where you are giving to the detriment of yourself. Willing sacrifice is the Hanged Man. Hanging there while others take pot shots. Being the dutiful partner, covering up their abuse or addictions or both. Keeping everything together. It only gets worse until there's little of you left because sometimes people aren't very nice.
Devil
The Devil is the marker of abuse and ties in with the message of the Hanged Man above. These people wear their chains willingly. They can slip off those chains anytime they want but they choose to stay where they are. This is the shadow, the dark side of the self. It is about depression, obsession, addiction, compulsion. Abusive relationships often involve a kind of trauma bonding which has been observed in children. Two sets of rats are given two machines. The first set constantly get treats when they press a button. The second get treats randomly. When the treats stop coming with the first set, they get bored and stop pressing. The second keep pressing hoping for more treats, not knowing when and if they'll come. Abuse does the same thing and this bonding is often contrived and very powerful. The abused keeps trying and keeps going back hoping for loving, kind behaviour and sometimes it pays out. Abusers never get better and their behaviour always gets worse unless they get help. The abused has to get out for themselves, not because they think the abuser will change. People don't change when there's nothing in it for them. If you see the Devil take it as a sign that something isn't right in this relationship.
Tower
Tower can stand for sudden violence or eruption of anger. It can be part of the abuse cycle: Tension - Violence (Tower)... It could be you learning that this is abusive because you didn't heed the signs and there are always signs, you've just ignored them or didn't know enough to recognise them (Fool). The person who keeps you waiting knowing you like to be on time is controlling. Looking you up and down and shaking their head in derision, is abusive. Snide remarks about your background or work or beliefs is abusive. Chipping away at your self esteem is abusive. They are working out what works in order to keep you under control. If you refuse to acknowledge these signs because you have low self esteem already, brush them off, are repeating childhood dynamics etc the Tower will soon wake you up to the reality you are in.
The Star
The Star is the curse of bad relationships because it's hopeful. You hope things will change, that they'll see the error of their ways, that things will get better, that if you change they'll stop abusing you, that they'll see you for who you are... So you stay on the treadmill while things get worse and worse in your abusive relationship. The Star also stands for self esteem. Your self esteem should be pretty much zero after awhile. It may also mean that you are getting your validation from outside yourself which you soon will with an abuser.
The Moon
Cycles as discussed. Mental health issues. A sane and insane side to this person. Childhood issues coming up again and again. Being drawn to this person in a way outside your control like the tide to the Moon.
The Sun
Narcissism. The Sun King syndrome. Their ego and your role in feeding it. There is room for only one person in this picture and it isn't you. What you do to feed their ego.
When we first get together with someone, we don't often notice red flags or signs that this person could potentially be an abuser. Abuse can be subtle and we often ignore intuitive feelings when we first start seeing someone as we are high on hormones and limerence.
I don't read reversals and tend to go on context, how I feel about the cards and the combination. However, there are certain cards to look out for if you start to question your relationship.
All abuse can be whittled down to power and control. How that power and control manifests will be different for each relationship and what works most successfully for the abuser. Look out for cards that bring back childhood issues that your abuser is manipulating as they have worked out what works to control you. Abuse isn't necessarily physical but is always emotional which may escalate to physical violence.
Abuse follows a kind of cycle so watch out for cards that indicate cycles such as the Wheel of Fortune and the Moon. You can read more about the abuse cycle here.
Power and Control cards:
Majors
Magician within the context of other cards, can mean someone who is manipulative and works through smoke and mirrors. Nothing is as it seems.
Empress/Emperor
Women can be as emotionally abusive as men. More women are killed and injured by their partners than men because of violence but that doesn't mean that women can't be controlling or abusive in other ways. Examples of abuse would be abuse of privacy, checking your partner's email and phone messages. Wanting to know where your partner is at all times. Demanding they dress in a certain way etc Cheating is abusive as it's a betrayal of trust, often involves lies and is unfair on your partner who may not know anything is wrong in the relationship. Sometimes cheating is part of the control aspect of abuse as the abuser feels powerful by having secrets and sleeping with others behind their partner's back. They see it as a way of getting back at them.
Empress can refer to your own mother and your relationship with her which is impacting your current relationship. A mother can be manipulative, self sacrificing, demanding, smothering, critical etc etc Your relationship may emulate your mother/child relationship quite unconsciously. You may always pick the same type of woman (this of course applies to LGBTQ as well as straight relationships) and each relationship has the same unhealthy dynamic even though you try to pick different types.
Emperor
We live in a patriarchal society which the emperor represents as well as the father archetype. An abusive man has learned his abusive behaviour from films, books, magazines, adverts, friends, family, religion and culture. Traditionally women were chattel, possessions to be bought and sold. A man could have many wives and still can in some societies where she is covered up lest another man covert his possession. Women's feet were deformed and bound so they couldn't run away, their genitals were mutilated to prevent them from practising their sexuality. This is part and parcel of patriarchal society and women can be just as misogynist as men as both can internalise these negative messages. This is about control, controlling women and their bodies and it is insidious and sadistic. So the Emperor has two meanings, one is society at large and one is your relationship with your own father and how those dynamics are playing out in your own relationships. It can also refer to your partner wanting to has his own Kingdom in your home and using 'male privilege' over you. Getting you to cook, clean and run around after him. The Emperor is a big red flag, alongside other red flags and cards, that you may be in trouble.
The Emperor can also stand for boundaries. Are your boundaries too loose? Too rigid?
Hierophant
Hierophant is social mores and tradition. You will come across the Hierophant at some point whether it is your partner's religion, upbringing or culture. I had a friend who divorced because she married a Muslim man who was quite liberal until they married and he wanted her to wear a face cover. There had been no mention of this before marriage but he came from a traditional society, was religious and expected his wife to obey him. When she didn't they divorced. He was ultimately trying to control her and force her to do something she didn't want to do. If you are expected to conform to certain types of traditional behaviour, that is the Hierophant. Many women notice after they have children that now they are a mother, their husband's attitude towards them changes and they are expected to conform to certain expectations. This is also when abuse starts to really kick in because he 'has his feet under the table'. Many women talk of how their partner became physically abusive when they were pregnant and their bodies changed.
Chariot
Chariot is obviously power and control. You are being ridden. Your partner is obviously the one riding the chariot. However, it can also stand for being two faced or charming outside the home and a beast within, a Jekyll and Hyde character. He brings this aspect of him or herself when you first start seeing each other but the mask will eventually come off. Many abused children talk of their mum or dad being well respected in their community but a monster behind closed doors. If the Chariot comes up and you have concerns, take it very seriously as along with other cards, it can show someone who is controlling and has an agenda.
Strength
I love the Strength card but it can mean wasting your time 'taming the beast'. You may be repressing your own anger and frustration or working to tame their beast. I could kick myself for the amount of time I spent trying to 'work people out' in order to understand their behaviour better. In order to calm them down and make life easier. I should have just dumped their toxic arses, but kept at it, in a saint like manner, turning the other cheek to their bullshit which invariably got worse due to lack of boundaries. Spending your precious time trying to fix someone. Don't. Walk don't run towards the nearest exit.
Wheel of Fortune
Would refer to being in the centre of a maelstrom which is what abusive relationships often feel like. They often follow a cycle of behaviour: Tension - Abuse - Reconciliation - Calm. The abused may even try to trigger violence during the tense phase in order to get it over and done with. You will be on an emotional roller coaster, where your abuser may try to keep you off balance and off guard so you can't work out what's happening.
Hanged Man
I have co dependent tendencies and can play the victim/martyr and it's an aspect I don't like about myself. I put up with stuff with a saint like fortitude while people wipe their feet on my back. You have to remember that even though you seem to be in a very dark place (which we will get to later) that you have chosen to stay where you are. If you are a child of an abuser then you haven't and this doesn't apply to you. As an adult, you have a choice regarding who you let into your life and who stays in your life. If your mother is a critical harridan who drives you to drink, you are choosing to keep in contact with her even though the (Hierophant) cultural norm is to love your parents no matter what. You have that choice. Doing nothing is still a choice. If you are in a relationship with an abuser, you are choosing to stay in it and only you can get out. This is the message of the Hanged Man. He has a saintly glow around his head, his hands are tied but he doesn't struggle. He smiles benevolently out at you. It's not your job in life to be someone else's punchbag, to work someone out, to fix someone, to be there no matter what if you are in a 6 of Pentacles relationship - where your needs are not getting met, where you are giving to the detriment of yourself. Willing sacrifice is the Hanged Man. Hanging there while others take pot shots. Being the dutiful partner, covering up their abuse or addictions or both. Keeping everything together. It only gets worse until there's little of you left because sometimes people aren't very nice.
Devil
The Devil is the marker of abuse and ties in with the message of the Hanged Man above. These people wear their chains willingly. They can slip off those chains anytime they want but they choose to stay where they are. This is the shadow, the dark side of the self. It is about depression, obsession, addiction, compulsion. Abusive relationships often involve a kind of trauma bonding which has been observed in children. Two sets of rats are given two machines. The first set constantly get treats when they press a button. The second get treats randomly. When the treats stop coming with the first set, they get bored and stop pressing. The second keep pressing hoping for more treats, not knowing when and if they'll come. Abuse does the same thing and this bonding is often contrived and very powerful. The abused keeps trying and keeps going back hoping for loving, kind behaviour and sometimes it pays out. Abusers never get better and their behaviour always gets worse unless they get help. The abused has to get out for themselves, not because they think the abuser will change. People don't change when there's nothing in it for them. If you see the Devil take it as a sign that something isn't right in this relationship.
Tower
Tower can stand for sudden violence or eruption of anger. It can be part of the abuse cycle: Tension - Violence (Tower)... It could be you learning that this is abusive because you didn't heed the signs and there are always signs, you've just ignored them or didn't know enough to recognise them (Fool). The person who keeps you waiting knowing you like to be on time is controlling. Looking you up and down and shaking their head in derision, is abusive. Snide remarks about your background or work or beliefs is abusive. Chipping away at your self esteem is abusive. They are working out what works in order to keep you under control. If you refuse to acknowledge these signs because you have low self esteem already, brush them off, are repeating childhood dynamics etc the Tower will soon wake you up to the reality you are in.
The Star
The Star is the curse of bad relationships because it's hopeful. You hope things will change, that they'll see the error of their ways, that things will get better, that if you change they'll stop abusing you, that they'll see you for who you are... So you stay on the treadmill while things get worse and worse in your abusive relationship. The Star also stands for self esteem. Your self esteem should be pretty much zero after awhile. It may also mean that you are getting your validation from outside yourself which you soon will with an abuser.
The Moon
Cycles as discussed. Mental health issues. A sane and insane side to this person. Childhood issues coming up again and again. Being drawn to this person in a way outside your control like the tide to the Moon.
The Sun
Narcissism. The Sun King syndrome. Their ego and your role in feeding it. There is room for only one person in this picture and it isn't you. What you do to feed their ego.